BREAKING NEWS: THE GUILDED EARLOBE PURCHASED BY AMAZON

1 04 2014

I know some people have been wondering about the sporadic nature of the the content here at The Guilded Earlobe. I have given many different reasons including blogger burnout, medical and family issues and changes at work. Yet, I have been sitting on some information and only recently been given the OK to announce it.

In a deal worth 3.14 Million dollars, Amazon, owner of Audible, Inc. and Goodreads, has purchased this blog, THE GUILDED EARLOBE.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has released this statement. “As many of you know, the audiobook industry has exploded over past few years, and more and more listeners are looking for guidance in which audiobooks are worth their time and money. The Guilded Earlobe has been one of the biggest independent voices in the industry, so we decided to buy it. Bob Reiss, the operator of the blog, has in the past been a vocal critic of Amazon. His theory that the Amazon Recommendation Algorithm is an early incarnation of SKYNET and will one day utilize our vast array of delivery drones to reign fiery havoc down on humanity, in no way influenced our decision to purchase the small, independent blog for millions of dollars.”

What should long time readers of The Guilded Earlobe expect? While there will be some changes, expect the same personal style reviews, just better edited with fewer misspellings, grammatical errors and use of the word “fuckery” and it’s many iterations. Other changes:

  • The dropping of the confusing U in Guilded.

  • A more professional layout.

  • Asshat will be two words and refer not to a character’s personality but head gear worn over one’s buttocks.

  • A new rating system.

  • Reduced references to “The Coming Robot Apocalypse and the insidious links between SKYNET and AMAZON.”

  • More focus on ACX releases, Audible produced productions and the effort to kill Sarah Conners.

  • Only verified human and robotic purchasers whose credit information is available to Amazon will be able to comment on the reviews posted on The Gilded Earlobe.

To make The Gilded Earlobe more user friendly, the old alphabetic rating system will be replaced by this new system (GIFs pending.)

A ROBOT STRANGLING A KITTEN: I didn’t read your book because the ebook price was so expensive.

AN AMAZON DRONE DROPPING BOMBS ON PLAYGROUNDS: I find the author’s political views reprehensible so their book must suck.

ROBOTS GIVING THE FINGER TO ANYONE WITH THE SURNAME CONNER: I didn’t finish the book because there were no Vampires in it.

T.W.I.K.I. FRYING BACON: Although I am a friend and colleague of the author, my unbiased opinion is that this book is awesome.

TWO ROBOTS MAKING SWEET LOVE ON A BED OF ROSES: This book was written by Jonathan Maberry and narrated by Ray Porter.

ROBOT JESUS WHIPPING E! REALITY TV STARS: This book is like an orgasm in my ears, except not as moist.

I hope you will all join The Gilded Earlobe on this new adventure, and if not, your names have been noted and your persons targeted for extermination.

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8 responses

1 04 2014
guy bignell

OUCH!!!!…. hahahha got me! was leaving a comment.. “Slap me on the ass and call me Cindy, I did not see that coming!”…. then got 404 err… and could not get to page again…. started me thinking then remembered the date!

 very good!

Badger

1 04 2014
Guy BIgnell

ooops its back up and now I feel like a spoiler please delete!!

1 04 2014
Michelle

You had me for a minute there!

1 04 2014
Jenn Lawrence (@jennbookshelves)

This is brilliant!

1 04 2014
thegeekyblogger

hehe

1 04 2014
Katie

This makes me so happy lol

1 04 2014
Nise' (Under the Boardwalk)

Hilarious – hey it could happen in this weird and crazy world.

2 04 2014
Podium Publishing

Totally tricked me – I excitedly just told someone and they said…”on April 1st?”

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