Robots vs. Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia by Grant King-Koontz Matheson
Read by Xe Sands and Phil Gigante
Length: 13 Hrs 41 Min
Genre: Post Apocalyptic Fantasy
Quick Thoughts: Robots vs. Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia is AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME. Full of great Zombie vs Robot action, a complex and intelligent strong female protagonist and a final twist so mindblowing that I had to bring in my own band of Zombie Cleaners to eat the brain matter that shot out of my skull. People, if you do not listen to this novel, you do not deserve the ability to listen to audiobooks and your earholes may scab over with nanite excrement.
NOTE: Due to unforeseen litigation by the estates of George Romero, Isaac Asimov and CS Lewis, Robots vs Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia was pulled from Audible. Hopefully this matter will be quickly resolved.
Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? This is the question I pondered when first encountering the audiobook, Robots vs. Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia by Grant King-Koontz Matheson. Let me let you in on a bit of a secret. I really like Zombies. I know, you are shocked. You are thinking, “If you really like Zombies why don’t you marry them?” Well, my lawyer says not to comment on that until our case, Bub vs. The state of Pennsylvania gets settled. Yet, I also like Robots. I mean, is there anything, Holidays, Weddings, Visits to the Proctologist, Elizabethan Literature, that isn’t made better by a robot. Hell, no matter how much I like you, I’d like you more if you were a robot. Hence my concerns with Robots vs. Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia, if I love both Robots and Zombies, how do I choose who I’d like to win? Wouldn’t this be like putting my brother and sister into a death match with lasers and shit? YES! IT’S EXACTLY THAT AWESOME! How in God, Jehovah, The Maid, the Mother and The Crone’s name could you not find this awesome? This is like finding out that Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow had a baby together and named him RoboCop. It’s that awesome. It’s like Batman delivering you a pizza with all your favorite toppings. THAT AWESOME! Yes, it’s like my brother and sister fighting to the death, in the actual GODDAM THUNDERDOME! Can you have too much of a good thing? NO FRACKIN’ WAY. I mean, are you an idiot? This is why god created peanut butter cups, because sexy cylons, bacon wrapped hotdogs and pirate ninjas aren’t the only things in the world that go perfectly together. Now, I know that in the blogging community I am known for my restraint, but today I am humping restraint like a dog hopped up on Beggin’ Strips and Yuengling Lager. Robots vs. Zombies, BRAIN IN OVERLOAD…error… error…3.14159263… REBOOT REBOOT…. Just what do you think you are doing, Barbara…? They’re coming to get you, Dave!
Lucy Nikita Bristow is working her first day at her new Librarian job when she stumbles upon a mysterious old book about assembling sentient robots from household supplies that was written by George Washington Carver. Oddly compelled, she takes the book home and begins building a robot army. Yet, when weird reports of corpses digging themselves out of their graves begin to hit the local news, she takes her robot army to an old Victorian house owned by a strange but kindly professor. When the undead finally come for her, she hides herself in an old wardrobe while her robot army fights off the zombies. She falls asleep, and wakes up in Narnia. Yet, this isn’t the Narnia of her childhood. She finds the land full of copses of Hobgoblins and Dufflepuds and Mr. Tumbus’ body nailed to a Naiad with a sign that says “STAY OUT LUCY.” Yet, her magical glasses (did I forget to mention magical glasses?) give her a vision into a dark Castle where a centuries old nemesis has taken up resident, a nemesis that her robot army may have awakened. So, this book is…. AWESOME! I mean, this book is full of everything I love. A smart, savvy librarian with magical glasses. Hordes of Robots and Zombies doing battle. NARNIA!!! It was almost like some strange person let loose an earwig into my brain whose job was to collect everything I love and spit out into a gooey mess of ecstasy. Hell, this book even came with a coupon for a free slice of Amato’s Chicken Parm Pizza, which is MY FAVORITE EVER! It’s almost unbelievable how a title like this came to be, perfectly suited for the limited Robert Allen Reiss demographic. What I love most about it is the character of Lucy, who happens to share the name of my lovely niece is that she never lets the craziness throw her off her game. Even after she meets Larry, a young bookish man who suffered a traumatic injury, yet still manages to fight off zombies despite being wheelchair bound, she doesn’t fall apart into some love dovey mess. She and Larry develop a serious adult relationship based on mutual respect that slowly morphs into adoration. Together they find their way to the old dark castle, dealing with some well orchestrated epic quest style challenges along the way, including having to answer questions about the average airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow. Hell, there’s even Quidditch, although a bastardized American version that sucks all the fun out of the game. Nothing prepared the reader for the final twist that was so mind-blowing, I had to bring in my own band of Zombie Cleaners to eat the brain matter that shot out of my skull. People, if you do not listen to this novel, you do not deserve the ability to listen to audiobooks, and your earholes may scab over with nanite excrement. Honestly, if you don’t add this audio to your listening pile, I will personally show up at you home, and chant catchy rhyming slogans at your front door which cleverly rhymes robot with booger snot. This novel is set to be an interdimensional bestseller, and I have no idea why it’s garnered so little buzz. You can have your Rowlings and Scalzis and Grishams and James Patterson clones, I’ll take Grant KK Matheson, plus, that slice of pizza.
To make matters even better, this novel was narrated by Phil Gigante and Xe Sands. I mean, holy hell, people. My all time favorite narrator and one of the nicest audiobook people whose works is usually out of my genre, team up to make this audiobook shine like a well maintained recently washed and detailed vintage Mustang convertible. Sands manages to make Lucy sound sort of sexy, yet still mature, intelligent and skilled at zombie slaying and robot making. Gigante handles Larry’s point of view, full of humor and action. No one can turn a phrase or give validity to a pun better than Phil Gigante. The best part of their narration is the action scenes. You can almost hear the evisceration of a sloppy zombie as a robot forces his razor sharp probe through its skull. Sands allows you to visualize every blood spatter, every maggot dropping from decaying wounds and every sensor shorting out as the zombie hordes do battle with the robot swarms. Oh, and the crazy adventures in Narnia. Gigante builds the tension as Larry and Lucy team up to take on a series of crazy tasks, deftly driving us through the tale, managing every quick turn, sudden stop and death defying Dukes of Hazard like jump with the skills of a NASCAR Driver. Both narrators even manage the slower touching, emotionally charged portions wonderfully. My only complaint was during the talking monkeys scene. Gigante is obviously using a Capuchin Monkey accent when the text clearly indicated they are a blend of Baboon and Rhesus monkeys. While it was bothersome, the average listener who is not educated in the various accents of talking monkeys will probably just gloss over what seemed to be a glaring mistake in my book. Other than that, this was a wonderful production. God shines down his love on the world the day he allowed the wonderful Phil Gigante and Xe Sands to be cast for this audiobooks.
Note: Thanks to Shitilike Audio for providing me with my own time machine as payment to write them an awesome review of this audiobook.
What Others Have Said:
“While I typically enjoy hoitey toitey literary novels read by egomaniacal British Voice “Talent” Robots vs. Zombies really opened my eyes to just how awesome things Bob likes are. I am now an unapologetic robozombiephile.” — The Literate Housewife
“Wait… What… Shit, I shouldn’t have ate those mushrooms. I will just mark this novel with my putrid urine stream as endorsement of quality.” — Chuck Wendig, author of “25 Ways to… Oh What the Fuck, Just Write Shit and Let Me Play Video Games.”
“While full of sex, violence and gore, I have no qualms exposing young children to the awesomeness of Robots vs. Zombies in Post Apocalyptic Narnia. In fact, it will become required reading in all Elementary Schools in The Keystone State.” — Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett
“It’s my goal to purchase the movie rights just so I can play the role of Lucy Nikita Bristow.” — Tom Cruise, Destroyer of War of the Worlds and Jack Reacher.
“OK, Bob. I’ll listen to it. Will you just shut up!” — The Audiobookaneers
*The Previous Endorsement May or May Not Be Real*